Why I Was The Problem In Our Marriage: A Journey of Self-Discovery and Relationship Growth

For more than six months, the title “Why I Was The Problem In Our Marriage” resonated in my mind, a profound and somewhat frightening revelation. Until now, the vulnerability required to share this story felt too daunting. Yet, the lessons learned are too vital to keep to myself, especially for anyone navigating the complexities of a long-term relationship.

Cade and I are approaching our 15th wedding anniversary. It often feels surreal. Weren’t we just in our twenties, exchanging vows, full of youthful optimism? And where did these three wonderful children come from? Marriage has a way of fast-forwarding life, blending moments of profound connection with periods of subtle disconnect. There are times when you feel you’re pulling in one direction, focused on a shared vision, while your partner seems to be looking out the window, perhaps oblivious to the immediate needs or shared journey. Or so you might perceive it.

Putting On My Brave Pants: Acknowledging Imperfection

When we first said “I do,” I never imagined I’d be writing a piece like this. I certainly didn’t foresee myself openly admitting that, despite my deep love for Cade, I didn’t marry a perfect individual. Of course, hindsight makes this seem obvious, but at the time, my perspective was shrouded in an idealistic glow. I saw only the good, unable to fathom any future annoyances. Yet, here we are, fifteen years later, navigating the beautiful, messy reality of a shared life.

It’s crucial not to misunderstand; Cade and I are genuinely happy. We connect on a deep level, complement each other’s strengths, and truly cherish our time together. Our journey is filled with laughter, mutual respect, and unwavering support. However, this doesn’t imply an absence of challenges or moments where we’ve simply been going through the motions. Like any couple, we face stress, distractions, and periods where our patience wears thin, leading to snippy remarks or simple exasperation. Indeed, there are times when we flat-out annoy each other, and it’s from one such moment that this particular story truly begins.

There was a period when the demands of my professional life, particularly with this blog and the looming deadlines for our Oh Sweet Basil Cookbook, became overwhelming. With much of the photography and creative work falling squarely on my shoulders, the pressure mounted significantly. I desperately needed help, yet felt increasingly isolated in my struggle. As stress built, the atmosphere at home thickened. I found myself busy, bugged, and convinced that Cade was utterly clueless, casually playing with our children in the playroom.

Suddenly, a surge of raw emotion, like a jolt of electricity, coursed through me. A fire ignited within, fueled by resentment and exhaustion. I was ready to unleash my frustration and make sure he understood just how angry I was. Dropping everything, I marched directly to the playroom, undoubtedly wearing a look that many of you can vividly imagine. With a tone sharper than I’d like to admit, I informed Cade that he wasn’t being helpful, that he needed to pay attention, and that it was time for him to step up and contribute more.

My words cut through the air, sharp and unyielding, yet I turned and walked away, leaving the hurt hanging between us, unresolved. To his credit, Cade later approached me with an apology, his exact words echoing in my memory: “I’ll try to be better. I am trying to be better. I know I can be, but I just get caught up sometimes. I’m sorry.” In that moment, his humility and genuine desire to improve highlighted a truth that often humbles me: in many ways, he possesses a character far more gracious than my own.

None Of Us Marry Perfection; We Marry Potential

It was a few weeks after that uncomfortable confrontation when a powerful insight struck me, an epiphany that unveiled why I was undeniably the problem in our marriage at that particular moment. The realization shifted my entire perspective on our relationship and my role within it.

I heard an address titled, Meeting the Challenges of Today’s World by Robert D. Hales, where he taught a profound truth: “None of us marry perfection; we marry potential.” Did you feel that ripple of understanding? I certainly did. It was a statement that resonated deep within me, stirring goosebumps as its wisdom began to unfold.

The starry-eyed bride who walked down the aisle fifteen years ago didn’t marry an already perfect man, though in my youthful adoration, I certainly felt he was perfect for me. What I truly married was someone I knew I could grow with, a partner with immense potential. The problem, as time wore on, was that I slowly forgot this fundamental truth. I forgot that, just like me, Cade is also on his own journey of becoming, striving to reach his desired self. Somewhere along the path of married life, it’s all too easy to lose sight of this shared human experience and begin to focus solely on what our partner lacks, rather than the incredible person they are evolving into.

Consider a baby learning to walk. Our youngest was 15 months old when he finally found the determined desire to use his legs. He stumbled, swayed, and fell countless times throughout the day. And what was our reaction? We cheered for him! We celebrated every wobbly stand, every frozen moment of no forward motion, every single step, no matter how few. And when he fell? That’s when our cheers were the loudest and most encouraging! We wanted him to know that trying, even with its inevitable setbacks, was a wonderful thing, and that he had our unwavering love and support. This unconditional encouragement is precisely what we often forget to offer our adult partners.

I’m Not Going to Stop Cheering: Embracing Growth in Marriage

This is where the transformative work truly begins: relearning to see the person you married, not just for who they are today, but for who they are becoming. I had allowed myself to view Cade as someone constantly falling short, rather than a man diligently striving to move forward, to be better. Imagine how different our world would be if we all looked at each other with this profound understanding – seeing the potential, the brilliance, and the inherent goodness within, rather than merely the present imperfections. What if we saw the boisterous teenager as the future brilliant musician, or the exhausted husband as the deeply devoted man who lovingly BATHES HIS WIFE every day, driven by a pure and dedicated heart?

This profound recognition of potential was precisely what Cade needed from me. He needed to know that I not only believed in his capabilities but that I could actively see them unfolding. It shifted the dynamic from one of criticism to one of collaboration and encouragement.

Now, I consciously seek opportunities throughout the week to highlight Cade’s strengths and acknowledge his efforts. If he’s engaged in play with the children, I’ll mention how wonderful it is to be married to someone who ensures his kids feel cherished and important. If he’s tackling a home repair, I compliment his thoughtfulness in addressing household needs or his willingness to work hard even after a long, tiring day. Even in moments where he might not be actively doing something productive, I still express my adoration and gratitude for his hard work throughout the week.

In fact, I frequently and explicitly tell Cade that I see his potential. I articulate my appreciation for the efforts he makes to be a dedicated employee, and the kind of husband who honors and respects his wife. I tell him that he possesses such remarkable potential and that I am incredibly grateful to share this journey of life and growth with him.

And you know what? This simple, yet profound, shift in my approach led to something truly astonishing.

I Still Ended Up Receiving More: The Power of Reciprocity

Cade is, by nature, an easygoing and private individual. He dislikes gossip and often keeps his thoughts to himself. However, the more love, affirmation, and encouragement I poured into our relationship, the more I began to receive in return. This wasn’t an overnight transformation; men, like all people, sometimes need a little time to process and respond. Yet, gradually, and in his own unique way, I noticed Cade consciously began to compliment and encourage me right back. The stressful months of our cookbook development, which had once been a source of tension, transmuted into a shared experience filled with joy and mutual support.

It’s a universal truth that both men and women, regardless of gender, crave words of affirmation. Whether we readily admit it or not, we all yearn to feel that we are improving, that we are better today than we were yesterday, more successful than last year, and happier than ever before. Positive reinforcement acts as a powerful catalyst for personal growth and strengthens the bonds within any relationship.

Whether your marriage, like ours, is generally happy but continuously seeking ways to deepen connection and stay vibrant, or if you’re among the many friends and readers who confide that their marriages are crumbling, feeling devoid of hope, I assure you: hope exists. Relationships are living entities; sometimes, what feels like a painful scratch is merely an indication that a little gentle care, understanding, and intentional softening are needed. And once you commit to providing that care, the warmth, connection, and profound softness you receive back will multiply a hundredfold, enriching your life and your partnership in ways you never imagined.